The Fakin Explosion
September 7, 2012
A couple years ago the guys from BBQAddicts.com took the world by storm with their meaty creation, the Bacon Explosion. Being the slightly offbeat soul that I am, I decided to assist the non-meat eaters of the world and create a “Fakin’ Explosion” out of all of that odd looking meatless product I normally run past in the grocery store on my way to the beef, poultry and pork. Before we start, rest assured that none of my meat loving genes were harmed in the creation of the atrocity, though my stomach and taste buds burned for several days.
On with the Fakin’ explosion. It all began with the ingredients…
- 2 pounds meatless low fat meatless bacon strips (aka fakin’)
- 2 pounds meatless sausage (aka faux-sage)
- 1 jar of your favorite barbeque sauce
- 1 jar of your favorite barbeque rub
To kick off the construction of this meatless medley you’ll need to create a 5×5 fakin’ weave. If the strips you’re using aren’t as wide as the ones pictured, then you may need to use a few extra slices to fill out the pattern. Just make sure your weave is tight and that you end up with a nice square shape to work with.
The next step is to add some barbeque seasoning on top of your fakin’ weave. Being the vegetable addict that I am, I whipped out a canister of Some In Da Eye’s competition celery salt for this special occasion.
Now that you’re fakin’ is well seasoned, it’s time to add more faux-ork. Take two pounds of meatless sausage and layer it directly on top of your fakin’ weave. Be sure to press the faux-sage to the outer edges of the fakin’ creating a patty that is the same thickness all the way across. Most grocery stores don’t carry loose faux-sage, so just use the stuff in the tube. I chose to go with a mild faux-sage because I think they’re all the same. If you really want to get crazy, take a stab at making your own homemade faux-sage (textured soy protein concentrate, soy flour, tapioca starch, and other good stuff).
Next up is fakin’ layer number two. Take the remaining fakin’ slices and fry them up the same way you would for breakfast (or lunch, or dinner, or a midnight snack). If you like soft fakin’, make it soft. If you like crunchy fakin’, make it crunchy. If you like your fakin’ burnt to hell so the smoke detectors go off, then burn it to hell so the smoke detectors go off. These pieces are going to be a major part of the inner flavor of our fauxsage fatty (or should I say SKINNY!!!!!), so cook them your favorite way. Personally, I like my fakin’ right at the point when it starts to get crispy, but hasn’t quite lost all of the soy induced pliability. Regardless of how well done you like yours, you’ll need to crumble or chop the cooked strips into bite size pieces and place on top of the fauxsage layer. (Note-It’s okay, and encouraged, to snack on these pieces while your chopping/crumbling. But keep in mind that once those fakin’ morsels touch the raw fauxsage, they’re going to taste like raw fauxsage. This may taste good but it may not, so stay strong.)
Since this is a fauxbeque recipe, we need to add another layer of fauxbeque flavor. Take your favorite vegetable juice and drizzle it all over the top of the fakin’ pieces. Personally, I prefer to use Smoke In Da Eye’s homemade vegetable sauce (a bottle of vegetable juice reduced by half). Once you’ve sauced the fakin’, sprinkle on some more of the vegetable seasoning you used on the fakin’ weave.
Now comes the fun part. Very carefully separate the front edge of the fauxsage layer from the fakin’ weave and begin rolling backwards. You want to include all layers EXCEPT the fakin’ weave in your roll. Try and keep the fauxsage as tight as possible and be sure to release any air pockets that may have formed. Once the fauxsage is fully rolled up, pinch together the seams and ends to seal all of the fakin’ goodness inside.
At this point we can start to see the final shape of our Fakin’ Explosion, but we’re missing one key item. To complete the constuction process, roll the fauxsage forward completely wrapping it in the fakin’ weave. Make sure it sits with the seam facing downward to help keep it all sealed up.
Sprinkle some vegetable seasoning on the outside of the fakin’ weave, and now this bad boy is ready for the smoker. Cook your Fakin’ Explosion at 225 degrees in a constant cloud of olive wood smoke (olives are vegetables, no?) until your Thermapen gives an internal temperature reading of 165 degrees. I have no idea if this is right since I have never smoked meatless meat but go with me on this.
Now that our Fakin’ Explosion is fully cooked, we need to add some finishing flavors. Remember that vegetable sauce we used for inner flavor? We’ll be using that same sauce to glaze the cooked fakin’ weave. Using a basting brush, coat the entire surface with a thin layer of sauce. V8 is a juice so pouring it on your skinny will just make it wet. By reducing the V8 by half, it will be thicker and will set up nicely. If you want to go wild, add a bit of honey to sweeten up that sauce (honey’s not ground up bees or anything so it should be fine for this vegetarian delight).
Slice the Fakin’ Explosion into quarter to half inch rounds to serve. If your roll was good and tight, you should now see a nice fakin’ pinwheel pattern throughout the fauxsage. Obviously faux-ork is best served by itself, but if you feel the need to make this meatless monster into a sandwich, try placing a couple Fakin’ Explosion slices on a cold piece of lettuce. You’ll reach faux-ork Nirvana is no time flat!
Be sure to send us stories and photos of your Fakin’ Explosion experience. Who knows, you may see your ugly mug on Grilling.com!!!
- Clint Cantwell, Grilling.com Editor